


Pretty Boy

by Starlight1395



Series: Requests From You [7]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Body Dysphoria, Eating Disorder, Gen, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Self Confidence Issues, detailed description of purging, extreme depiction of eating disorders, platonic Hyunjin/everyone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-19
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-10-12 21:40:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17475461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starlight1395/pseuds/Starlight1395
Summary: Hwang Hyunjin was happy. He had his members and his fans and he was living his dream.But happiness is a fragile thing. Hyunjin starts to question his place in the band, wondering if Chan made a mistake adding him with all the others - the others who were talented and worthy of their place- while he was just a visual.Despite his friend's warnings, Hyunjin slips down a dangerous path that seems like it's going to help but really is slowly killing him. He can't see how he's destroying himself, so it's up to his friends to save his life.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was a request from Straykidsallaroundtheworld! Sorry it took so long to get this written

Hyunjin grinned at his reflection in the mirror. His bangs were soaked with sweat and sticking up in every direction from running his hands through them, and his face was red, but he was happy. That morning, during dance practice, something felt off.

“I think you have it better than anyone else.” Felix grinned at him from his place on the floor. The aussie boy had offered to stay behind to help work out whatever the issue was. Turns out, Hyunjin was rushing where he was supposed to hesitate, which threw the entire dance off.

“I’m just glad I figured out what was wrong,” Hyunjin said breathlessly as he rolled a bottle of water to his friend. “It was going to drive me crazy.”

“We should be getting back,” Felix stood with a grimace. “Chan hyung said him, Changbin hyung and Jisung finished some new things for the next album and wanted you to come in early to test out some rap bits.”

“Disgusting.” Hyunjin laughed, standing and following the other dancer out. At first, he had been jealous that even though he was technically a rapper, he really wasn’t included in 3racha and felt excluded, but after seeing how hard the three boys worked themselves, Hyunjin found himself thankful he could go back to the dorms with the others when they stayed back to compose. Not that he didn’t respect the work they put into it - he absolutely did. He just valued the three or four extra hours of sleep he managed, unlike Chan.

The two made their way from the practice rooms when a sound caught Hyunjin’s attention. He slowed as they passed one of the other room, which was still occupied by some trainees. Hyunjin remembered his trainee days with a mix of fondness and spite.

“I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since Chan and everyone debuted,” an unfamiliar voice said. Hunjin was definitely curious now that they were talking about them. “I don’t… I get why most of them got in but fuck- it’s just irritating that some of those idiots debuted and I’m still being kept in the damn basement. I’ve been a trainee for almost seven years with no end in sight!”

Hyunjin was ready to throw the door open and berate whoever was talking shit on his band members when a second voice chimed in.

“You’re talking about the pretty boy again? Give it up man. You’ll never be as pretty as Hwang Hyunjin. Maybe if you were, you wouldn’t still be here! That’s the only reason he made in.” The practice room filled with laughter and Hyunjin was frozen.

“They can’t say that shit-” Felix went to open the door, but Hyunjin caught his arm.

“Let’s just go back,” He said softly, head down. Felix couldn’t see because his friend’s bangs were covering his eyes but he was afraid the other dancer was crying. “I- it’s not worth getting involved and I want to shower.”

“Alright Hyunjinnie, let’s go home.” Felix folded but shot the door to the practice room a dirty look before letting Hyunjin guide him away.

* * *

  
Hyunjin looked in the mirror with a frown. He was so exhausted the night before that he forgot to do his normal routine and now he was breaking out.

“It was one night...” He grumbled as his fingers ghosted over the red bumps on his chin and cheeks. He was never one to really suffer from bad acne, but after the stress they’ve been under recently, coupled with falling asleep with a facefull of makeup from a concert… well it was a recipe for disaster.

“Hyunjin, you alright?” Chan caught him as he left the bathroom.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” Hyunjin asked tiredly. God, he was so thankful it was an off day. He felt like he could sleep for years.

“Well, to be blunt, in all the time I’ve known you I’ve never seen you breakout like this and I’m worried. Are you working too hard? Do you need a break or something? I can talk to the managers-”

“No, it’s fine,” He said quickly. “I forgot to wash my face before going to bed last night. It’ll clear up soon. Thanks for worrying though.”

“Alright, but seriously, if you feel overworked please tell me.”

“Hypocrite, but okay, I will.” Hyunjin stuck his tongue out and Chan pouted but quickly smiled and ruffled the younger boy’s hair.

“Go get some sleep. The bags under your eyes could give mine a run for their money.”

“Night hyung.” Hyunjin yawned and went to collapse in his bed, but even after he buried himself under his blankets and got comfy, he couldn’t sleep. The acne on his face seemed to itch like mad and all he could think about was his title as visual - how that was what he was known for. Not for dancing, or rapping. For being pretty.

Hyunjin jumped up from bed and raced back to the bathroom. For the next thirty minutes he popped and pinched and prodded until his skin was blotchy and bleeding, but it wasn’t enough. He dug through the cabinet and pulled out all the different kinds of face wash he could find. One after another, he washed his face again and again until his skin was on fire and it felt like he scrubbed off the top layer entirely.

Only then did Hyunjin go back to his room and fall asleep.

* * *

  
Hyunjin eyed the fried chicken with distaste. Their manager decided to treat them for a job well done, and the others were excitedly digging into the hot meal.

“Is something wrong Hyunjinnie?” Jisung asked, noticing the other boy sitting but not eating.

“Not hungry…” Hyunjin mumbled, but it wasn’t that. His skin had just calmed down from his attack earlier that morning and he knew greasy foods would just make everything worse. He couldn’t let things get worse - he had to get better. It was the only reason he was in the band in the first place. What would happen when their visual was no longer pretty? There’d be no use for him if that happened-

“Here, let me get you something else,” Woojin instantly stood, taking his plate with him so no sneaking hands could steal anything. “You need to take care of your health Hyunjin-ah. Even if you aren’t hungry you should try to eat something small.”

“No grease please hyung.” Hyunjin reluctantly followed the older vocalsit to the kitchen. Woojin dug through the fridge and started making a little plate up of veggies he had sliced the day before, for when the boys wanted a snack that was easy to grab.

“Here, you can eat in your room if the smell of the chicken is going to upset your stomach more.”

“Thank you hyung.” Hyunjin took the plate and rushed back to his room. He picked at the food, partly regretting not eating the chicken because it smelled so damn good, but also glad because fried chicken would go straight to his thighs and he couldn’t let himself gain weight on top of a gross face.

He was the visual. He had to be perfect.

That’s why he was here, right?

* * *

  
Hyunjin felt bitter tears run down his cheeks. He knew he shouldn’t be on twitter, but he wanted to see what Stays were saying.

Normally there isn’t a problem with them looking through their own tag, but at the show that day, Hyunjin had tripped badly and missed a large portion of the choreo, along with the first part of his rap. Thankfully Jisung jumped in until Hyunjin could finish the part, but his leg hurt like a bitch and he could hear the crowd freaking out.

He made it through the rest of the show, trying to mask his pain with a grin but the second he was backstage he started crying. It hurt so badly, and he had to keep dancing on it. Even if it had just been a sprain before, it had definitely gotten worse.

They rushed him to a doctor, who put him on bedrest for a week, and banned him from dancing for at least three more.

Hyunjin was sitting in his bed, ankle propped up, tears streaming down his cheeks as he checked twitter. His heart dropped when he saw his name trending. The pain in his chest lessened when he saw most of the comments were positive, telling him to get better soon and yelling at the venue for letting the stage get that slippery.

It was the one or two comments that said something along the lines of ‘that’s what you get for putting a visual in an idol group’ that really struck a nerve. He wasn’t just the visual! He was a dancer, and a rapper and a vocalist. Chan picked them all for a reason - because they had talent that the world needed to see! Chan wouldn’t have picked him if he were just pretty… right?

“Hyunjinnie hyung?” Jeongin poked his head in. “I brought you some tea… and some painkillers and an ice pack. Does your ankle hurt?”

“It’s getting sore again,” He answered honestly as the younger boy handed him the chipped mug and some small white pills. Jeongin carefully placed the ice pack over the brace holding Hyunjin’s ankle immobile and sat on the edge of the bed. Hyunjin didn’t have the heart to tell the boy that the ice pack wouldn’t be able to get through the thick material of the brace. He took the painkillers in a single gulp and put the mug aside. “Thanks Innie, you’re an angel.”

“Are you sure you’re okay? I mean, other than your ankle.” Jeongin stared at the floor.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you’ve been really hard on yourself recently, and now that you’re hurt, we’re afraid you’re going to try to push yourself even more.”

“Ah, don’t worry Jeonginnie, hyung’ll be okay,” Hyunjin smiled at the Jeongin, and the younger boy seemed to relax. “I’ll be right as rain soon and I’ll be back to teasing you.”

“Ya, hyung…” Jeongin whined but smiled nonetheless.

“I’m gonna take a nap,” Hyunjin said suddenly, realizing how exhausted he was. “Tell the others I’ll be out for dinner.”

“Nuh uh, we’ll bring you food in here,” Jeongin said, standing. “You need to heal up, and walking about when you don’t have to is how you make it worse.”

“But-”

“No buts hyung. Doctor’s orders.” Jeongin kissed him on the cheek before taking the mug and turning the light off. Hyunjin shook his head and bit back a smile before turning over and closing his eyes.

* * *

  
“So, Hyunjin-ah, it’s good to see you back on your feet!” The interviewer said cheerily. It was the first public thing Hyunjin was allowed to go to after spraining his ankle. He was still in a brace, and couldn’t dance, but he given the green light to go to fan events and to sit on the edge of the stage to sing his parts while the others did the choreography.

“It’s good to be back, I’ve missed seeing Stays!” He grinned, hearing the fans in the audience scream. “It was getting lonely being cooped up in the dorms.”

“You must have been off your feet for a while! Your cheeks have gotten so round since the last time we saw you.” She laughed, but Hyunjin’s smile instantly vanished.  
Sure, he had gained a little weight. It was inevitable. His members made sure he ate three meals a day minimum, but he wasn’t allowed to dance or work out until the doctor cleared him, which still hadn’t happened yet.

“Well, I’ve heard from secret sources that Stays like it when our cheeks are round because it means we’re eating well and staying healthy.” Hyunjin laughed off his panic. The interviewer seemed to like his answer, because she laughed and said she agreed. The rest of the interview went by in a blur, Hyunjin’s heartbeat loud enough in his ears to block out any sound.

Next thing he knew, he was walking towards the van.

“Is everything alright?” Chan asked, pulling him aside. “You look pale.”

“It’s just the makeup.” He said arily. Chan’s face hardened.

“Hyunjin, don’t listen to her,” He said seriously. “You aren’t fat, do you hear me? Don’t let yourself think that.”

“I know hyung.” He said, but inside his head he was screaming something different.

‘I am! I am fat! I’m fucking disgusting and I’m a disgrace. Minho hyung should be the visual, not me. I’m going to be kicked out of the band if I’m not perfect.’

“Gaining a little weight is normal,” Hyunjin said instead, smiling at his leader. “Besides, Stays don’t seem to mind all that much. Who knows, maybe I’ll keep the weight on if it’ll make them happy.”

“Honestly, it would make the rest of us happy too,” Chan looked a little sheepish. “Hyunjin… if something was wrong, you’d talk to one of us, right?”

“What do you mean hyung?”

“This industry… it’s not nice to it’s idols. It puts crazy impossible standards over our heads and shames us if we can’t conform, and that can really take a toll on someone’s mental health.”

“I don’t think I’m following…”

“Hyunjin…” Chan sighed and put his hand on the younger boy’s shoulder. “You… we were worried you had developed an eating disorder. You were restricting and Woojin overheard you mumbling about calories. Please, if you’re falling into those habits… please come to us. We need you Hyunjin, and an eating disorder- those can kill you.”

“I don’t have an eating disorder, but I’m sorry for worrying you,” Hyunjin felt like he was floating. Eating disorder? Him? “I just didn’t want to eat greasy foods cuz… cuz it would make my skin worse. I’m the visual, I have to be pretty-”

“Visual? Hyunjin, you know that’s a superficial title right? You’re so much more than that,” Chan argued, but Hyunjin was barely listening. His mind was spinning ‘he’s lying you need to be perfect how dare you get fat’. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Just tired,” Hyunjin mumbled, trying to fight back tears as his mind screamed at him. “And my ankle hurts.”

“Alright Jinnie, let’s get home,” Chan said, but he still watched the younger closely. “It’s getting late anyway.”

Hyunjin climbed into the front seat of the van - a privilege he got only until his ankle healed - and pulled out his phone.

“Eating Disorders.” he typed into the search bar. His stomach flipped as he read article after article. By the time he got back to the dorms his eyes were sparkling.

He was going to be perfect, and now he had a way to get there.


	2. Chapter 2

Hyunjin sobbed, biting his hand to muffle the sound. He had been doing so well, but he fucked everything up so easily. He had gone almost two full days without eating anything at all, but Chan just had to go and be a good, thoughtful leader and bring back cake - well, two cakes so there would be enough - for everyone to celebrate their one year of being Stray Kids. Hyunjin told himself that he wouldn’t have any at all, but seeing how the icing seemed so fluffy and the cake so moist…

He let himself have half of a piece, so as not to raise suspicion. That was one tip he read - eat little portions in eyesight of friends and family so they don’t worry about you. The last two days everyone had been off doing their own things, so no one was around to realize he hadn’t eaten anything at all.

As soon as the icing met his lips, Hyunjin went crazy. He was ravenous and scarfed down the small piece in three large bites. He turned back to the cake and couldn’t control himself. He ate the rest of the piece that was supposed to be his, as well as two slices from the second cake that hadn’t been claimed.

But it wasn’t enough. His body screamed at him to eat and he was so mindlessly hungry that he didn’t think. He went into the kitchen and tore through the fridge, finishing the leftovers from the night before, as well as all the snacks Woojin had prepped for them. It was only when he gagged from being too full that he realized what he had done.

Hyunjin raced to the bathroom, ignoring the questioning calls from his friends. They weren’t too concerned when he raided the fridge - they all do that at some point or another. They forget to eat and realize it all at once and stuff themselves - but they didn’t understand why he looked like he was going to cry.

Hyunjin leaned over the toilet after making sure the door was locked tight and gagged, but nothing came up. The food rolled in his stomach and there was only one through running through his head.

_Get it out. Get it out. Get it out! GET IT OUT!_

He remembered what he read about purging, about how dangerous it is and how it doesn’t actually help you lose weight, but all he could think about was getting the poisonous food out of his stomach NOW. He scrambled to the sink and started gulping down as much water from the cup they kept by the sink to rinse their mouths after brushing their teeth as he could hold before leaning back over the toilet and shoving his fingers down his throat.

His nails scraped the top of his throat painfully, but nothing happened. He gagged around his fingers as tears streamed down his cheeks but nothing came up. He tried again, shoving them down farther, but again nothing happened.

The fifth time he shoved his fingers down his throat, he could feel something happen. His whole body tensed and he couldn’t control the stream of soggy food from spewing into the clean toilet bowl. He could see bits of white icing floating next to chunks of half chewed meat and felt his body tense again.

The second time he threw up, he didn’t have to do anything but stare in horror at the mess he had made. The second batch was watery and even more painful than the first.

The bile stung the scrapes in his throat and Hyunjin wanted to scream.

Thinking water might soothe his throat, he gulped down more tap water, which he quickly learned was a mistake. Before he could finish the cup, he was scrambling back to the toilet. The third time he threw up, it was mostly water and bile, with small bites floating around.

Hyunjin felt empty. Physically, and emotionally. There was nothing more to throw up, and he was scared at how much he liked the feeling. He rinsed his mouth and spit it back in the toilet before flushing his deed away. He brushed his teeth extra well, trying to erase the taste of everything coming back up. As a last thought, he used the air freshener that was stored under the sink and slipped from the bathroom.

Ignoring his name being called, he flopped into his bed and fell asleep instantly, feeling empty and good.

* * *

  
Hyunjin stared at himself in the mirror, clenching his jaw angrily. They were taking a break from dancing, the boys scattered around the practice room. Felix was play fighting with Jeongin and Minho over a water bottle. Chan, Jisung and Changbin were tiredly rapping at each other, muttering about changing this line or that. Woojin was chatting with Seungmin about the show they were watching. And Hyunjin was staring at himself in the mirror with anger.

He was being good. He was restricting. He ate one meal a day and basically drowned himself with water at any given opportunity. If he went over seven hundred calories a day he made sure to get rid of them despite the negative outcomes.

His hair was thinning. No matter how much conditioner he used, it was clear that his bangs were limp and colorless. The bags under his eyes have gotten worse, and his complexion was pasty. He could barely talk anymore, let alone sing or rap. No matter how much water he drank or how many mints he sucked on. He could only fake a cold for so long before the others caught on, and it was starting to come to the end of that time. He could see the others watching him closely any time his voice cracked or he coughed violently.

His fingernails were starting to yellow and they kept breaking right up to the quick which hurt like a bitch. He saw tips about painting your nails to hide the yellowing, which might work. He knew some Stays likes it when they wore polish but he still hesitated. Not only were his nails yellowing, but his teeth were getting sensitive. Cold water sent tingles though his jaw even though the cold never irritated him before.

Hyunjin stared at himself in the mirror in anger. He had been following all the tips - all the rules - for almost five months and he was still hideous.

How could anyone think he was a visual when his thighs were so massive, his cheeks so fat, his stomach so disgusting?

He wanted to take a knife and cut the fat off his body. He wanted to be perfect, but it seemed it just wasn’t possible.

“Who did your reflection kill?” Jisung asked as he came over and sat down next to Hyunjin. The other boy jumped and managed to tear his eyes away to look at his friend.

“Huh?”

“You were staring at yourself like you could shatter the mirror with your eyes.” Jisung watched Hyunjin’s face carefully.

The other eight had a secret meeting a while back, to talk about Hyunjin’s behavior. They could tell something was wrong, but they didn’t know what, and were afraid to call the boy out and make things worse.

Jisung noticed how Hyunjin seemed to look just above the younger boy’s shoulder, but never in the eye. He noticed how Hyunjin’s right hand seemed to be scabbed, right in the middle - as if his pointer and middle fingers were constantly hitting something hard.

How Hyunjin seemed to be wasting away in front of their eyes.

“I’m just tired. I guess I zoned out.” Hyunjin’s voice was raspy and sounded painful, like it hurt him to speak.

“It’s been a rough couple of months hasn’t it?” Jisung asked softly, watching for any changes in Hyunjin’s face.

“Yeah…” Why was he crying? He didn’t want to be crying so why were his eyes stinging?

“You know, if there was something wrong, you can tell us. Or me. You don’t have to tell everyone, if you didn’t want to.”

“You ever look at yourself and…. And hate what you see?” Hyunjin’s voice cracked again.

“Jinnie…”

“And no matter how you try to make yourself better, it never works? You try and you try and you try but nothing ever works and… and you hate yourself even more?” Tears started running down his cheeks. He buried his face in his hands, trying to get his breathing under control.

“Jinnie, when was the last time you ate?” Jisung tried to keep his voice level but he knew he was close to breaking into tears himself.

“This morning?”

“How much?”

“Half an apple, because I knew we had dance practice…” Hyunjin’s mind was SCREAMING at him to shut up. No one could know. He had to be perfect.

But the second he started opening up, it was like the floodgates broke and suddenly he couldn’t stop.

“It h-h-hurts…” he sobbed loudly. All conversation instantly stopped, as if a bomb had dropped in the middle of the room. “It hurts so much but I c-can’t stop!”

“What hurts?” Chan came over and pulled Hyunjin into his lap.

“Everything!” He sobbed harder, his stomach cramping and throat stinging. “My belly always hurts! And- and my throat always burns and my head always hurts and I’m always so cold! I’m so fucking cold all the time no matter how many blankets I have! I hate it! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!”

“Hyunjin, what’s going on?” Chan asked, rocking Hyunjin back and forth to try and calm him.

“I’m not better! I starved and worked and tried everything but I’m not- not better!” He cried into Chan’s shoulder, his boney shoulders shaking violently.

“You- oh god Hyunjin… you’re already perfect,” Chan whispered in horror, holding the boy tighter as if his skinny frame could slip away if he didn’t keep him close enough.

“You never had to change to be better. You’re already perfect.”

“It hurts hyung… it hurts so bad…”

“I know love, but you’re going to be okay.”

* * *

  
“Just one more bite love, okay? For hyung?” Chan asked sweetly. Hyunjin stared at his plate with tears in his eyes. He wasn’t entirely sure how many calories he already had, which in itself gave him anxiety, but he knew it was way over his daily count.

“I need to go to the bathroom.” He choked out, trying to stand only to have Woojin’s large hand press him back into his seat.

“Just one more bite Hyunjinnie, then we can watch a movie.” The eldest said, trying to soothe his friend.

“I n-need to get it out,” he felt the bile rising as he sat there. In the last few months, the only thing that really improved was his ability to purge on command. “Shit, hyung move!”

“Hyunjin we’re not going to let you-”

“MOVE!” Hyunjin screamed before making a dash to the trashcan and heaving his dinner into it.

Chan rubbed the boy’s back as he gagged until everything was gone. Woojin handed Chan a glass of water, which he handed to Hyunjin as soon as he straightened up.

“I’m sorry Jinnie, I shouldn’t have made you eat so much at once,” Chan helped him back into his chair. “We should have started lighter.”

“I don’t wanna eat hyung,” Hyunjin’s voice was gravely and quiet. “Eating is bad…”

“Eating is good, you just have to remember that.”

“Eating is bad. It makes me fat and ugly…” Hyunjin rested his forehead on the table, trying to fight the tears stinging his eyes.

“You’re beautiful Hyunjinnie hyung.” Seungmin sat next to him and took his hand under the table.

“Don’t lie to me.” He muttered angrily.

“I don’t lie,” Seungmin countered quickly. “You know I don’t spare feelings.”

“It’s true,” Jeongin chimed in from across the kitchen. “He’s a real jerk sometimes…”

“I’d rather be truthful and an asshole than nice and lie.” Seungmin said matter-of-factly, causing Hyunjin to snort.

“Maybe I’m too broken to be fixed…” Hyunjin breathed softly, causing everyone to freeze.

“You’re never too broken to be fixed.” Minho said quickly.

“You’re not broken Hyunjin,” Woojin shot Minho a glare. “You’re hurting, but you are NOT broken, do you hear me?”

“My belly hurts hyung…”

“I know love,” Chan rubbed Hyunjin’s back again, getting him to stand. “Let’s go take a nap, yeah?”

“Okay…” Hyunjin stood and followed Chan to the other boy’s room, leaning on his friend the entire way as if he was too weak to stand on his own.

“This is going to be rough, isn’t it?” Jeongin asked, his voice wavering.

“We have to stay strong for Hyunjin,” Woojin pulled his maknae close. “It’s going to be hard to help him, but we have to. It’s a matter of life or death.”

“Isn’t that a bit of an exaggeration?” Changbin asked, sounding almost hopeful.

“Changbin, eating disorders are deadly,” Woojin wasn’t sparing any feelings. “Even if we get him back to a healthy weight, there’s a chance there’s damage to his organs. His stomach lining has probably thinned, his digestive tract is all messed up, not to mention the long term mental effects this is going to have… if he doesn’t get therapy - real, professional therapy - there’s a chance he’ll relapse. If it gets any worse, he’ll collapse… be sent to hospital for sure…” He cut himself off with a small gasp. He refused to cry in front of the others.

“You know a lot about this hyung…” Minho said cautiously, eyeing his friend carefully. Woojin flinched and stared at the floor.

“This industry isn’t… nice,” He said haltingly. “It’s… easy to fall into habits that you think will make you perfect.”

“Woojin hyung-” Jeongin stared at the other vocalist in horror.

“We need to focus on how to help Hyunjin,” Woojin cut the youngest off before he could draw assumptions. “Starting with making sure he gains some weight. We need to start him off with a few small meals a day…”


	3. Chapter 3

Hyunjin was getting better.

At least, his members thought he was.

In reality, the only thing he was getting better at was hiding it.

He really did try, for a little while at least, to make his friends happy by eating and trying to recover but the delicate bridge they formed between Hyunjin and recovery came quickly crashing down when they were at the airport, two measly weeks after he opened up to everyone.

“Lee Know!” A fansite called, trying to get Minho’s attention.

“Han! Han oppa!” Another called.

“Hyunjin-ah!” Hyunjin turned eagerly to smile at the camera. He loved seeing his fansites and playing around a little with the flustered girls behind them. Only, that wasn’t one of his sites… “Can you move? I can’t see Changbinnie!”

Hyunjin felt frozen. He nodded and stepped back, feeling his stomach drop as he heard her mutter under her breath.

‘Fatass’

Hyunjin felt like he was going to throw up. Woojin managed to get him to eat a single piece of toast with a small smear of butter, and it was quickly about to see light again. He walked quickly, rushing past everyone. He pulled his facemask up over his mouth and prayed his bangs would cover his glassy eyes.

No one questioned him when he went to the bathroom. No one questioned why he seemed so happy and content when he came back. No one noticed how his pointer and middle fingers were bleeding from being smashed against his front teeth.

* * *

  
“Hyunjin, do you want more vegetables? They’re good for you and low in calories.” Woojin asked gently, offering a small spoonful to the younger boy. Hyunjin’s stomach flipped but he smiled and nodded anyway.

He lifted some to his mouth and chewed it, waiting until the eldest’s eyes were focused on someone else before lifting his napkin to his mouth and spitting it all out. He had to be careful, his napkin was almost full of half chewed dinner, and he didn’t want anyone to guess what he was doing. He played with the bowl, lifting the chopsticks to his mouth before turning to Felix and engaging him in conversation.

No one noticed how he would place the food back down before it even touched his lips. When Felix turned away, he slipped a bite or two of the meat into the boy’s bowl. No one noticed. Hyunjin smiled as he actually chewed and swallowed a piece of meat.

His stomach protested, but he could feel eyes on him. The second the poisonous food was down his throat, he felt he eyes turn elsewhere.

He may not be perfect yet, but he will be. Soon.

* * *

  
Hyunjin was getting very, very good at lying. Before he could pull off a small white lie here and there, but would seize up with guilt if he tried to be dishonest to his hyungs. Now? He could spin tales with ease, as if he were a writer rather than an idol.

“I ate breakfast when you were sleeping! I know I need more protein so I made an egg with some rice.”

“Sound in the shower? Oh, I turned the water up too hot and must have yelped or something. Don’t worry hyung!”

“Ah, I tripped over my own feet again! I’m so clumsy,” Pause for laughter. No one suspects those who laugh. “Dizzy? Nah I just kicked my own leg. Silly, right?”

Hyunjin was getting so good at lying, he was starting to scare himself, but it was for the greater good.

The ends would justify the means. Even if it killed him.

Hyunjin stepped on the scale and grinned. He was down again. He noticed his nude polish was chipping and made a mental note to repaint his nails. It always chipped on his pointer and middle fingers the fastest, which was irritating, but it was going to be worth it. He was going to be perfect.

* * *

  
Something was wrong. Hyunjin always made sure to eat on dance practice days because fainting would prove to everyone that he wasn’t getting better. He ate fruit for breakfast, hoping the natural sugars would give him the boost he needed to get through the day, but something felt off. He never felt this… wrong before.

It was like his insides were twisting - like there was a snake in his belly, slithering and writhing against his organs.

He remembered his mother telling him that if something felt wrong - really, truly wrong - that he needed to tell someone immediately.

Grabbing an extra water bottle and some painkillers, Hyunjin prayed this unsettling feeling would go away so that he didn’t have to worry about it.

Dance practice was going surprisingly well. The painkillers helped enough to take his mind off what happened that morning, and he was confident in his ability to do the choreography without collapsing entirely. He downed a water bottle in one go, panting as sweat dripped down his temple. His once fitting shirt hung off his frame, the collar pulled off his shoulder to showcase his sharp collarbones.

His vision suddenly went fuzzy and he felt himself falling. He managed to catch himself on the mirror, but instead of seeing Hwang Hyunjin in the reflection, he saw a ghost.

The ghost was pale as snow and looked horrified, as if he just witnessed a death of someone close to him. Hyunjin stumbled away from the mirror, as if putting distance between himself and the not-him in it would make himself look alive again.

His head spun rapidly, like his brain was replaced with water and someone shook it up like a snowglobe. He lurched forward, the ringing in his ears so loud he wanted to scream but he knew he wouldn’t be able to hear himself. He fell to his knees and felt his body contract painfully. Something hot splashed over his hands, but all he could focus on was the blinding pain in his stomach.

It felt like he was being stabbed over and over, and he wanted to sob. Maybe he already was. He couldn’t tell.

He heard a loud, piercing sound, then there was nothing.

* * *

  
Jisung looked at his hands in shock. He was in the company van with the others, on the way to the hospital.

Everything seemed normal that morning. They had breakfast. Chan yelled at them that they were going to be late only to get to the company building ten minutes early. They ran through the new choreography with no problems, even being praised for how hard they were working.

Everything went horribly, horribly wrong when Hyunjin collapsed and started heaving onto the practice room floor. At first they just though his legs gave out from dancing too hard. It wouldn’t be the first time and it definitely wouldn’t be the last. Just as Chan was going over to help Hyunjin up, the boy started gagging and coughing.

It wasn’t until crimson started splattering against the worn wooden floors that panic overwhelmed them.

Hyunjin heaved again, a mix of bile and blood covering his hands. He was shaking so hard Jisung thought he was going to snap in half. Someone shouted to call an ambulance, but Jisung felt frozen. His whole body trembled as he covered his mouth with his hand. Chan was shaking Hyunjin, trying to get the younger boy to wake up, but he didn’t.

He wouldn’t wake up.

Hyunjin looked so, so small strapped to the stretcher.

Jisung didn’t understand what was happening. Hyunjin was getting better! He was eating more, and hanging out with them more. He didn’t rush to the bathroom after each meal to purge anymore. His hair seemed to gain color and he seemed to be more energetic. He talked to them more at meals and joked around more at practice. Sure, he wasn’t looking like he was gaining much weight, but Jisung assumed it would take a little while for his cheeks to fill back out again, that the body fat was going to other places first.

Seeing him in that large shirt made Jisung realize there was no body fat elsewhere. Hyunjin was a skeleton covered in skin. His hip bones stuck out like mountains from his sweat pants that Jisung only noticed when Hyunjin was laying on his back. His wrists looked so thin when the paramedic tried to find his vein for an IV. his face looked even more gaunt with an oxygen mask over his mouth.

“Sunggie, wake up. We’re here.” Chan’s soft voice broke Jisung from his thoughts. The sign for the hospital’s front entrance glowed down on them ominously.  
Jisung never likes hospitals. He rarely visited them until his grandmother fell ill. His parents would take him to see her often after that, and the smell of the cleaners and the sounds of the machines always made his chest tighten. The one time he was the patient - from working to hard and passing out from exhaustion - was one of the worst things he had ever experienced… which was now topped by this moment.

‘He’s going to be okay.” Woojin said, pulling Jeongin into his arms.

“How do you know?” the youngest asked, fighting back tears.

“Because… the blood was from a ruptured ulcer in his stomach. He had to have been purging without us knowing… How did he do it without me noticing?”

“Ruptured ulcer? That sounds painful.” Seungmin muttered quietly.

“It’s beyond painful, and could be deadly if not treated.”

“Hyung, how do you know so much about this?” Jisung found himself asking. Deep down, he knew the answer, but he wanted Woojin to tell him he was wrong. The eldest looked at the younger with panicked eyes before sighing and sitting. He placed Jeongin in the seat next to him before pulling the youngest back into a hug. He petted the boy’s hair as Chan sat on his other side.

“You don’t have to-” Chan started to whisper.

“It was bound to come out eventually,” Woojin cut him off with a small, forced smile. “Back when I was still in school, and when I first became a trainee, I was the same as Hyunjin. It started with me forgetting to eat because I would be too focused on practicing, and eventually I realized I worked better when I felt empty so I purposely skipped meals. After a while, all the fat was gone leaving nothing but muscle behind and I started getting attention from other trainees. They said I was attractive and had a nice body, which I wasn’t really used to hearing. I… I wanted to be accepted and loved, so I kept starving. If I gained any weight I would punish myself with an hour on the treadmill. Eventually, my muscles started eating away at themselves. My voice went first, then I couldn’t walk. No one wanted to tell management because that would involve admitting that I had an eating disorder - admitting that they knew I was destroying myself but didn’t do anything to help me. Eventually I passed out and slammed my head hard enough to give me a major concussion. I was in the hospital for weeks. They pumped me full of vitamins and minerals and shit to get my strength up, and when I was finally released I wasn’t a skeleton anymore. That’s about when I met Chan. He helped me through recovery. They sent me to therapy when I started to relapse, and had to go to an outpatient program twice a week to relearn how to accept myself . So yeah, i know exactly what Hyunjin’s going through and I hate myself for not noticing things getting this bad! How didn’t I notice…?’

He trailed off, tears streaming down his cheeks. Chan took his free hand and held it up to his lips, whispering comforts against the elder’s knuckles. Jeongin buried his nose in his hyung’s neck, trying to comfort him somehow.

Jisung was frozen again.

Woojin - strong, soft, confident Woojin. The hyung that always made sure there were snacks in the fridge. The hyung that always showed up to the recording studio with dinner for when they forgot to eat. The hyung that gave the best hugs because his body was warm and soft and made Jisung feel so safe.

Woojin had an eating disorder that almost killed him.

Hyunjin has an eating disorder that might still kill him.

Jisung buried his face in his hands and started to sob. How had things gone so, so wrong?

* * *

  
_“Hyunjin, open your eyes.” A voice called to him. It was strangely familiar, but he didn’t know why. Hyunjin opened his eyes to find himself someplace he had never seen before._   
_It was a little bedroom, with a soft looking bed and shelves filled with little knick knacks and toys and photos._

_“Over here.” The voice said again and Hyunjin spun around, but instead of seeing the source of the voice, he saw a large mirror. His reflection stared back at him, but it wasn’t him. The him in the mirror was… scaring him._

_Reflection Hyunjin looked dead. His skin was translucent, the blue of his veins looking like poison flowing through his veins. The bags under his eyes were black and his smile was yellowed. HIs hair was thin and patchy and his hands shook._

_But the worst part was how skinny he was. Reflection Hyunjin was a skeleton. Every single rib was visible. His stomach bulged out from the starvation and his spine looked like it was about to tear through the skin. His arms were stick thin, and real Hyunjin could easily make out the shape of each and every bone in them. Even his legs were scarily thin, the gap between his thighs farther than should have been possible and his thighs as thick as his arms._

_“W-who?” Hyunjin tried to back away, but found his feet were frozen to the floor._

_“What? Don’t like what you see?” Reflection Hyunjin mocked, his yellow smile catching on the raspy words. “Don’t ask who as if you don’t know who I am. I am you.”_

_“No…”_

_“You wanted to be perfect, but the only way to achieve real perfection is to die.” Reflection Hyunjin’s voice was so garbled and rough that real Hyunjin could barely understand him._

_“I don’t want to die-”_

_“Don’t you though? You starved and purged to the point of collapsing. If death wasn’t your goal, why would you go this far?”_

_“I wanted to be beautiful.” Tears ran down his cheeks. Reflection Hyunjin had matching tears running down his face, but instead of the horror Hyunjin knew was in his eyes, reflection him was sneering._

_“And aren’t you beautiful this way? Not a single ounce of fat anywhere to be seen. Your beautiful bones on display for the world to see. What could be better than this?”_

_“That’s not what I wanted…”_

_“It’s what you are through.” Skeleton Hyunjin was replaced with a one familiar version of himself._

_This Hyunjin seemed to glow with life. His cheeks were round and flushed. His eyes glittered with joy. His arms and legs looked strong and sturdy._

_“You killed this version of yourself,” The same raspy voice came from healthy Hyunjin. “You killed him for something you could never reach.”_

_Healthy Hyunjin started losing weight faster and faster, the pounds melting from his frame. As quickly as he appeared, healthy Hyunjin was gone, replaced with skeleton Hyunjin, who looked smug._

_“This is what you are now,” He spat. “A walking corpse. Will your friends cry when they have to bury you? They won’t have any trouble carrying your casket in any case.”_

_“NO!” Hyunjin screamed, punching the mirror with all his might. The glass shattered in a burst of light._

 

“No?” A voice asked curiously. Hyunjin said up and wildly looked around, tears streaming down his face.

“Please I don’t want to die!” He sobbed, frantically hugging himself. The nurse looked panicked for a moment before pressing a button next to his bed. “Please… I don’t- I don’t want-want to die!”

“Doctor, we need a sedative.” The nurse said as hyunjin thrashed in his bed.

“No! Please!” he sobbed harder and harder, the skeletal version of himself burned into his eyelids. There was a prick on his arm and a warm darkness gathered Hyunjin in its arms, and the boy felt peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything up to this chapter has been the exact effects of an eating disorder, but here I look some liberties with the stomach ulcers and the whole snake analogy. Yes, purging can cause stomach ulcers that cause extreme pain but i may have exaggerated a little to get a point across.  
> I write things like self harm and suicide and eating disorders with disturbing detail so people can see the negative side of it. A lot of people see this as a means of escape, or to better themselves because all we see in media is the romanticized versions of it. We see pretty, skinny girls who stick toothbrush handles down their throats and memorials for those who killed themselves, but we never see the gritty, realistic parts of it. We never see the failed attempts and the side effects and the lasting problems you develop. I may not be well known, but I need my voice to be heard to those suffering know what's to be expected and how to seek help.


	4. Chapter 4

Hyunjin stared at his hands. God, they were so thin… When had things gone so wrong? He didn’t want this anymore. He wanted to be better again but the nurses made sure that he was fully aware that recovery won’t be easy. Even the flavorless broth they brought for him made his stomach churn and his eyes sting. He hadn’t managed to keep anything but water down, which mean the IV had to stay in no matter how much he asked for it to be taken out.

His members visited him often, but there was a tension in the room that nothing seemed to fix. They always seemed on edge around him, as if he would break if they said the wrong thing, which wasn’t completely false.

The first day he was strong enough to walk to the bathroom on his own, his legs gave out and he had black and blue bruising all up his left side. That was hard to explain to Woojin, who instantly noticed how the dancer was favoring his right side.

He was conflicted to say the least. He wanted to get better - the dream or… hallucination… he had when he was unconscious scared some sense into him, but at the same time he was afraid to gain weight again.

The voice in his head screamed at him, telling him that each and every calorie that he put into his body was killing him. That each and every minute the IV was pumping his body full of nutrients, he was getting more and more ugly. That if he recovered, he’d be back to square one and he’d have to start all over again.

There was a knock at his door.

Woojin poked his head in and smiled at the boy. The vocalist let himself in, and Hyunjin was surprised to see him close the door behind him. Sometimes his friends would visit in smaller groups of two or three, but none of them had ever come alone. Hyunjin didn’t blame them - he wouldn’t be comfortable going to a hospital alone, even if it was to visit his best friend.

Woojin sat in the chair next to him and handed him a cup. He placed a duffle bag at his feet, but Hyunjin was too focused on the feeling of the cold plastic against his fingers. He found himself dissociating a lot in the hospital room, so the chill grounded him.

“It’s the peach iced tea that you like,” He said, still smiling. “There’s only one pump of sweetener so you don’t have to worry about anything.”

“Thank you hyung.” Hyunjin sipped the drink and signed happily. Even with the single pump of sweetener, it tasted amazing. He had gotten used to drinking plain black coffee, water with lemon or black tea, so flavored tea was a nice change. The comment about how much sweetness was in it put his mind at ease as well, which Woojin knew it would.

Hyunjin came to know a lot about his hyung in the time he was in this white room. While Woojin never came out and said it directly, Hyunjin could connect the dots and was able to draw the picture that the older boy had some sort of first hand experience with what he was going through.

“Hyunjin, I wanted to talk to you one on one,” Woojin said softly. “About your recovery.”

“I’m scared hyung. I want to get better but… I’m afraid of things getting bad again. It would be so… so easy to get back to this spot if I slipped. I don’t want to d-die, but I’m scared of gaining weight.”

“I know love, but trust me when I say it is possible to fight off relapsing,” There was deeper meaning behind his words and Hyunjin felt tears in his eyes. “Jinnie, what sort of things does your mind tell you?”

“You know about that?” Hyunjin didn’t know why he was so surprised that Woojin knew about his head and the bad things it told him.

“You’re a smart kid. I know you’ve probably figured out that I’ve been in the same spot you are.”

“I kinda thought but I never…”

“Never thought I would be the kind of person to have an eating disorder?” Woojin chuckled a little. “EDs… they aren’t skinny white girls who skip breakfast. They’re… they’re people with thighs that touch and bellies that stick out and people who are struggling even if they don’t look like they are. The problem with EDs is that they’re just as much a mental thing as they are a physical thing- no, they’re more of a mental thing. You can go back to eating normally and be physically healthy for years even! But you can still find yourself thinking those things again. You find yourself checking the calories or denying yourself dinner without even realizing that you’re doing it.”

“How did you stop it?” Hyunjin asked, feeling exhausted. Not physically - he had been doing a lot of sleeping since he wasn’t allowed to leave the hospital - but emotionally, and mentally. If Woojin could help him stop the thoughts…

“I didn’t,” he said simply, causing Hyunjin’s stomach to drop. “I still am fighting those thoughts.”

“But-”

“It’s rare that I find myself thinking that way, and I can easily squash them down but they’re still there. Starving, purging, chasing the unattainable perfection… it’s an addiction. One that never really goes away. At least, not for people like us, in this industry. If we were normal college students then maybe but we’re constantly being pushed to be thin and pretty. It really takes a toll on your self confidence.”

“How do you fight them?” Hyunjin pulled his thin legs up against his chest, hiding his face against boney knees. “I don’t- I don’t want to hear them yelling at me anymore.”

“How I did it might not help you,” Woojin warned him. “And you might find a way that helps you that wouldn’t help me at all. Recovery is a twisting, confusing path, and no two paths are the same.”

“Anything will help at this point.” Hyunjin bit back tears. God, he was so cold. Woojin bent down and pulled something out of his duffle bag before unfolding it and curling it tightly around Hyunjin’s shoulders. It was his favorite blanket from home. The moment the familiar scent surrounded him, Hyunjin felt his whole body relax.

“I figured you’d be freezing here,” Woojin explained with another small smile. “Not only do you not have any body fat to keep you warm, but your body is putting all its spare energy into keeping you alive so there’s none left to keep the heat in.”

“Thank you hyung.” Hyunjin pulled the blanket up over his head and snuggled into the softness with a content smile.

“The way I always fought my thoughts was, and don’t laugh, with sarcasm.” Woojin’s soft smile turned more into a smirk at Hyunjin’s confused look.

“How does sarcasm help?”

“Well, for example, my mind will say ‘you’re already the biggest member of the band. You need to stop eating or you’ll stand out too much’. I talk right back and tell it ‘yeah, so fucking what? We’re a rookie group. Standing out is what we need to do to get attention. Even if just one of us gets the spotlight, it’s good for everyone, idiot.’ I just respond to the voice like it’s an irritating heckler that doesn’t quite understand what’s happening.”

“And that helps?” Hyunjin was in awe.

“Most of the time. I think I shock it by talking back so it doesn’t know how to respond,” Woojin laughed, and the sound brought the dull room to life. “Here, give me something your mind says to you and I’ll tell you how I’d respond.”

“Okay, um… one thing I hear a lot is if I’m not perfect, I’ll lose my title as visual and I won’t be needed in the band anymore… and that I’ll be k-kicked out.”

“That’s stupid. Stray Kids debuted with nine members that Chan hand picked because of their talents. Besides, if anyone was kicked out of the group, Stays would flip their absolute shit and JYP would do anything to avoid that kind of uprising,” Woojin said easily. “And on top of that, visual is a vain title to begin with. Even if you had a horrible accident, you’d still be able to rap and sing and dance - and no one can take that away from you. You are part of our rap line, and dance line and maknae line. Nothing can ever take those titles from you.”

“That… wow,” Hyunjin looked at Woojin in wonder. “It doesn’t hurt.”

“What doesn’t?”

“My chest.”

“Here, give me another one.”

“Um, you can’t eat that. Calories are going to kill you.”

“Calories are needed to survive. They won’t kill me, idiot. They keep me healthy. Try again when you have something not stupid to say to me.”

“Hyung, I’ve never heard you sound like an asshole before.” Hyunjin giggled a little.

“Sometimes you have to be a bit of an asshole to yourself. It’s called tough love. If being sarcastic doesn’t help, being realistic can. If it tells you that you’ll get fat, agree. Yeah, you’ll gain weight but you know what? You need that weight to have energy to do things. That’s another thing I’ve noticed. If you agree with the voice, it stops talking.”

“Agree?” Hyunjin shifted to sit cross legged and faced his friend.

“Say it tells you that you’re stupid, or worthless. Turn around and go ‘yeah but if I’m worthless that means you are too because we’re the same person.”

“Wow, I never thought of it that way… normally I just go ‘yeah you’re right’ and feel worse about myself.”

“Well, try being sarcastic or realistic next time the voice won’t shut up and tell me if it works. We can think of other ways too if you want.” Woojin took Hyunjin’s hand, his small, boney fingers being dwarfed by the elder’s larger ones.

“Yeah, sounds good.” Hyunjin smiled and enjoyed how warn his hyung’s hand was around his own, frigid digits.

* * *

  
Woojin was only able to stay for a little longer after that before needing to get back for schedules. Hyunjin smiled as his hyung left, but the second the door closed, his face dropped. He hugged the blanket close to his body, shivering in the AC of the room.

 _‘Maybe you should have died. Then they wouldn’t be worried about an ugly, worthless visual like you They could focus on the members that actually contribute to the band.’_ The voice hissed at Hyunjin, who whimpered and tried covering his ears. He remembered what Woojin said and tried to think of a response.

“If I died, they’d be planning a funeral which is more stressful than this,” He reasoned out loud, feeling the pain in his chest lighten. “If anything, this is less problematic for them.”

‘ _But you’re still causing a problem, even if it’s not as big of a problem as it could have been. You’re nothing but a problem.’_

 

“Chan hyung and Jisung have both been hospitalized for overworking themselves. Seungmin and Jeongin have both thrown their voices out practicing. Changbin hyung has panic attacks when he gets stressed. They all cause the others to worry but we don’t see them as problems. Why- why would I be any different?”

_‘Because you’re fat and ugly.’_

“That doesn’t even make sense. Why would my appearance change any-anything?”

The voice didn’t respond. Hyunjin sniffled but smiled. It worked. He quickly shot a text to Woojin before laying down and cuddling with the large blanket. He closed his eyes and let sleep overtake him, knowing the nurse would wake him up when it was time to try and eat again.

* * *

  
“Hyunjin, it’s Sunday.” Woojin called to the younger boy, who was sprawled out over top of Felix, who was holding the television remote out of reach.

“Give me a minute!” He called back, all his attention to getting the remote from the younger boy. He reached, but the plastic device was just out of his range.

“If we don’t do it now, you’ll forget.”

“Shit…” Hyunjin knew his hyung was right. He gave Felix a dirty look before rolling off the couch and going to the bathroom. Woojin was waiting for him with a little notebook and an electronic scale that he kept hidden in his room normally.

Every Sunday morning, Woojin had Hyunjin weight himself to track his progress. The elder kept the scale hidden otherwise, so the younger couldn’t obsess over his weight like before.

Hyunjin stepped onto the scale and waited for the numbers to stop flashing. When the number settled, Hyunjin felt sick. It took him a moment to remind himself that no, that’s what he wanted. He was TRYING to gain weight back, so seeing the number going up was a good thing. Woojin glanced over his shoulder and smiled as he jotted it down.

“You’re doing amazing Jinnie,” He said pulling the boy into a hug. “I know it’s rough. I can see the panic in your eyes every time you see the scale go up but I promise you that it’s okay. You’ll be back to a healthy weight soon and you’ll be glowing like you did before.”

“I know hyung, it’s just… a knee jerk reaction I guess. I have to remind myself every time that it’s a good thing.”

“Have the thoughts been bothering you?” Woojin pulled away and picked the scale up, tucking it under his arm.

“Only when I eat something really greasy or sugary but otherwise no,” Hyunjin smiled, bouncing a little in his place. “I’ve gotten really good at being an asshole to it.”

“I’m proud of you Jinnie,” Woojin ruffled his hair with hsi free hand. “You have no idea how proud all of us are. If anything is bothering you, let me know okay?”

“Actually…” Hyunjin hesitated, but the open look on Woojin’s face gave him the courage to continue. “If you could ask Chan hyung and Jisung to stop trying to sneak seconds into my bowl I’d appreciate it. I know they’re just trying to help, but seeing all the extra stuff there makes my anxious.” He rubbed his arm and looked away.

He didn’t want it to bother him, because he knew their intentions were purely helpful, but seeing extra food where there had just been empty bowl made Hyunjin panic. He was still working on being comfortable eating normally again, and still had smaller portions at each meal. He had only purged once since being released from the hospital, but that was after a stressful week what ended with him binging every snack in their kitchen. Woojin had found him, sobbing and clutching the toilet bowl at two in the morning. He brought the younger boy back to the kitchen and made him sip some water and talked him through the panic attack that was ripping through him.

“I’ll talk to them, don’t worry.” Woojin’s eyes softened at the request.

“But like, be subtle about it please? I don’t want them feeling guilty or anything…” The last thing Hyunjin wanted was for his friends to feel as though they were the reason he was still struggling.

“Of course. Have you mentioned this to your therapist?” Woojin asked and Hyunjin nodded.

“He was the one to suggest asking you to mediate.” he admitted. After he was released from the hospital, Hyunjin went to the same outpatient program that Woojin had, though he wasn’t allowed to have the same therapist.

“I’m so proud of you Hwang Hyunjin.” Woojin said again, tearing up a little. Hyunjin blushed and looked away but smiled nonetheless.

Yeah, he was still struggling. He still had days where eating anything at all made him want to run to the bathroom and force it out, but on those days Jisung and Changbin would hug him until the urge passed. He still had days where he would stand in front of the mirror in his boxers and stare at every flaw on his body, but on those days Seungmin and Minho would come in and tell him all the things they loved about him. He still had days where he broke into tears at the slightest mistake and called himself worthless, but those were the days Woojin and Chan pulled him aside and showered him in love and affection until he forgot about all the bad thoughts. He still had nights where he craved feeling empty, but those nights Jeongin and Felix would crawl into bed with him and keep him company until he fell asleep.  
Hyunjin was recovering. He was gaining weight again, and when he looked in the mirror he saw a smiling boy - not a skeleton. His cheeks filled back out and his members couldn’t stop kissing them. His fans noticed how healthy he looked and showed him more love than he ever thought possible. He was bombarded at fansigns with well wishes and snacks that had little messages for him to keep fighting and to get better. Stays were more understanding than anyone anticipated.

Hwang Hyunjin, the visual of Stray Kids, is so much more than just a visual. He’s a rapper, and a dancer and a singer. He’s also a friend, and a brother and a hyung. He’s also a fighter, and though his battle is far from over, he isn’t alone in it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the longest time I wasn't sure how to approach this request. I had a few ideas, but none of them seemed to click right. Recently, I've started going back to dance and it was obvious that I had gained weight since my surgery and I... spiraled. I felt awful and disgusting for even having a single meal and wanted to cry every time I gave in and ate. Thankfully it passed, like most of my ED/depression episodes do, but for about a week I tried to starve only to fail miserably and feel awful again. Writing this helped get those feelings out some and though I know I have a lot of recovery to get through, i'm feeling better. I can eat two meals a day without feeling bad.  
> Do I still wish I looked different? Every day of my damn life. But I'm getting better. Everyday I'm a little more accepting of myself. I can't change my height, or how wide my hips are or how broad my shoulders are. Even if i were to lose wight, I wouldn't look the way I want, so where's no use stressing over it, right?  
> Thanks to everyone who read and supported this fic. Between this one and Goodbye Parties, I've been real emotional. I hope if you find yourself in a situation like this that you talk to someone. You don't have to hold the weight of the world on your shoulders. You have friends and family to help carry the burden. You are not alone.

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter is shorter than I usually write but it felt right to cut it off there. I'm hoping to do a chapter every day or every other day depending on my motivation. This one isn't going to be super long, 3-4 chapters at the most, but the next fic I have planned will hopefully be longer.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Tears are coming and they can’t stop](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18069497) by [UnbeliebubbleGyu (orphan_account)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/UnbeliebubbleGyu)




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